Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”

- E.B. White

Quoted in profile by Israel Shenker, “E. B. White: Notes and Comment by Author”, The New York Times – July 11, 1969

- Matthew Porter

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“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well-preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!”

- Attributed to Bill McKenna

Professional motorcycle racer

Cycle Magazine, February 1982

- Matthew Porter

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Of all the months named after a present singular first person auxiliary verb, May is definitely my favorite. And in lieu of a clever segueway, here now is a quick recap of all the fun we had this last month here at HeyPorter.com…

Great Quote Monday — John F. Kennedy

I think that sometimes the best quote is a challenging question, as evidenced here by John F. Kennedy.

Matthew Maxim #11: Hate Failure, But Never Fear It

Okay, it stinks as a bumper sticker, but read this article and see if you don’t agree that it’s relevant and applicable to everyday life.

Great Quote Monday — Helen Keller

Having read this quote– and now visited her childhood home– I almost feel bad for telling all those bad Helen Keller jokes way back when.

Found Comedy — Mega Brand Smackdown

Weeks later and I still can’t figure out how this sign got approved and printed. It’s enough to make the Hamburglar blush.

Great Quote Monday — Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Poetry for Great Quote Monday? Yep. And just imagine where we could go from here. Today Browning, tomorrow Shel Silverstein…

Great Quote Monday — Harold S. Dodge via W. Edwards Deming

I know: the word ‘quality’ is flogged so much that it has no edges left at all. Still, I think you’ll find this quote and the accompanying article worth a look.

Great Quote Monday — Jesus

And if you like this quote, try reading his bestseller.




- Matthew Porter

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“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

- Jesus Christ
John 15:13 (NIV)

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April was a wild ride. The blog pendulum swung from very serious How To’s to less serious Don’t Ever’s. Oh, and chicken jokes. Can’t forget those.

If you missed any of the fun, may God have mercy on your soul. Wait, never mind. I just noticed we have a handy dandy Hey Porter! April Roundup right here. So uh… sorry about being overly dramatic there. Boy, that was embarrassing.

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 4: Work Smarter

If you’ve ever wondered how to become a freelance writer, I humbly suggest giving this 5-part series a tumble. Things I’ve learned in my 12 or so years writing professionally.

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 5: Think Like The Client

You say you never wondered how to become a freelance writer? Then skip Parts 1-4 and hit Part 5. There’s something good in it for you. Promise.

Great Quote Monday — J.K. Rowling

We’ve had a lot of British folks on Great Quote Monday, but J.K. was our first female quoter. And wow, what a quote it was…

New Episode Of ETC This Thur @ 10am EST

There’s nothing more ‘Etcetera’ than shameless self-promotion

We Optioned Our TV Show!

Note to self: from now on, try to not give away the whole story in the headline.

Etcetera — 4.8.10

Three friends, a whole bunch of callers, one hour… good times.

Found Comedy — Now THAT’S Fresh Chicken!

Further HeyPorter! adventures in Open Source Comedy.

Great Quote Monday — Dr. Jonas Salk

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I’m the only person who has ever described Dr. Salk as ‘the man who pimp-slapped polio.’

Bands Named After Places

A little more Open Source Comedy that, for some reason, attracted hoards of spambots. They were on this website like dingos on a three-legged possum. Whoa… Think I just had a little ‘Dan Rather’ moment there.

Found Comedy — Fatal Coke

Don’t believe it? See for yourself.

Great Quote Monday — Lee Iacocca

For some reason, I really like this photo of Iacocca. He just looks like somebody you shouldn’t cross.

Landing Your Next Job The M@tthew Pörter Way

I asked my friend, an HR guru, to vet this article for me. For obvious reasons, she has yet to respond.

Someone You Should Meet: Elam Stoltzfus

Even if you don’t like documentaries, you’ll like Elam.

Great Quote Monday — James F. Byrnes

What?! You’ve never heard of James F. Byrnes? THE James F. Byrnes? Actually, neither had I.

ChaCha vs. KGB (or KGB vs. ChaCha, If You Prefer)

There’s actually a legitimate head-to-head challenge in this article, amidst the silliness. Plus, one last shot at some Open Source Comedy for April AND– at no extra charge– a little bit of reader smack talk back at yours truly. Finally…

- Matthew Porter

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James F. Byrnes

“Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.”

- Attributed to James F. Byrnes

- Matthew Porter

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If you’re reading this during the day, you’re likely either surfing the web for job leads or you’re goofing off at work — in which case you’ll soon be surfing the web for job leads. Either way, I want to pass along my Top Seven Tips For Landing Your Next Job.

Make Your Resume Stand Out
The key thing is to make your resume to stand out from the resumes of other job applicants. And there’s no place better to start than your name. For example, my name is Matthew Porter. Ehhh… okay. Pretty good name. But how much memorable would it be with a sprinkle of inappropriate punctuation:

M@tthew Pörter

Boom! Memorable. The @ symbol says ‘this guy is modern. Fresh. Now.’ The oomlats say ‘this fellow is either Dutch or an ex-member of Mötley Crüe. Either way, look out, world!’

And this stealth move of jazzing up your name works for the ladies, too. For example, instead of ‘Barbara Smith’, try ‘Jessica Simpson.’

Accomplishments
Next, you’ll want to detail your accomplishments, for example: ‘graduated magna cum laude, boosted sales by 10%, promoted to manager’ and so on. While these accomplishments are true, they’re also boring. What to do? Well, ‘embellish’ is an ugly word, so let’s just say ‘lie.’

Instead of the staid, ho-hum accomplishments above, try these on for size:

- In high school, I developed a Unified Field Theory reconciling the general theory of relativity, electromagnetism, and quantum theory.

- In college, I helped the Chicago Bulls win a third-in-a-row NBA Championship while also receiving my eighth scoring title and leading the team to the league’s best-ever regular season record.

- Post-college, I wrote a series of popular novels about a boy wizard, all of which have become international best-sellers.

Now that list of accomplishments pops, does it not?

So, how do you back up these accomplishments? References.

References
Yes, references will provide us with the credibility we lack because we are “lying.” For example, you can say that you worked with an ‘Enrico Fermi’ in high school developing your Unified Field Theory. However, e-mails to Signore Fermi will remain unreturned since he died in 1954.

To back up your remarkable athletic accomplishments, simply list Phil Jackson as your reference, but– and this is very important– put my phone number instead of Coach Jackson’s.

Experience
Okay, so you’re capable of lying about a few big accomplishments, but what’s your real-world experience? Are you tested and proven? No? Not a problem!

Instead of listing your job experience, how about putting in a saucy picture of cover model Ilyana Vivendi (stop Googling, I made up the name as an example)? This is a sure-fire ticket to making your resume memorable. For full effect, actually tear the picture from a magazine and tape it to the resume.

The Interview: First Impressions
A firm handshake and a strong look-in-the-eye make a great first impression. Great, yes. But not memorable. My advice? Ditch the handshake. Wait until your interviewer is close, then grab him by the shoulders and kiss his cheeks in the European manner. As any of the girls I dated in high school can attest, an awkward kiss can make any so-so situation forever memorable.

The Interview: Trick Questions
To keep you on your toes and test your resourcefulness, interviewers will often ask you trick questions, for example:

- ‘What is your greatest weakness?’
- ‘What didn’t you like about your old job?’
- ‘Did you make up all of this stuff on your resume?’

However, you can trump this stratagem simply by having a few crafty replies at the ready:

Example 1:
Interviewer: (asks trick question)
You: That’s what she said.
Interviewer: What who said?
You: Mother Teresa, when I worked with her at the Home For The Dying in Calcutta.

Example 2:
Interviewer: (asks trick question)
You: What? Oh… sorry. I keep getting lost in those dreamy brown eyes of yours.
Interviewer: My eyes are blue.
You: That’s what she said.

So there they are, my Top Seven Tops For Landing Your Next Job The M@tthew Pörter Way.

What’s that? You say there were only six tips? Well, what’s a little embellishment among friends?

- Matthew Porter

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Universal Orlando is currently hosting a concert series. Two of the acts scheduled: Chicago and Flo Rida — though not on the same night, which would be awkward to say the least; the ‘chronic back pain’ crowd meets the ‘chronic’ crowd.

This juxtaposition got me thinking about bands named after places. There’s actually quite a few. Below are the bands named after places I thought up, each with a video (at no extra charge).

Bands Named After Continents
Europe

Asia

Bands Named After Countries
America

Bands / Artists Named After States
Flo Rida

Kansas

Alabama

Bands Named After Cities
Chicago

Boston

Berlin

Calexico

Nazareth

Am I forgetting any bands named after places? If so, drop a reply and let me know.

- Matthew Porter

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“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

- J.K. Rowling

2008 Harvard commencement speech

- Matthew Porter

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March is over? Madness! In case you missed any of the fun here at Hey Porter!, I DVR’d the whole thing…

Great Quote Monday — Winston Churchill

To get the full effect of this quote, you really need to read it out loud with a British accent.

Failed Dr. Seuss Book Titles

Why do things like this make me laugh? Because in my brain I will always be 14 years old.

In Praise Of Steve Martin

Want to read a really long, embarrassingly gushy article on why Steve Martin rocks? Give this one a tumble.

Great Quote Monday — T.E. Lawrence

‘Dreamers of the day…’ That’s just good stuff.

Matthew Maxim #32

Another installment in an occasional series…

Found Comedy — Reebok Jump Rope

Now you can LOL while you JUAD.

Great Quote Monday — William Shakespeare

Dude, what’s the preoccupation with Great Quote Monday quotes from En-guh-land this month?

The Drunken Leprechaun’s Ode To Beer

A delightful single-malt comedy bit, aged 10 years.

Social Experiment: How Can I Help You? Seriously.

Wow, did this article ever set something off…

Great Quote Monday — Zig Ziglar

If this quote doesn’t set you on fire, then your wood is wet.

Bonus Quote — P.J. O’Rourke

Is P.J. O’Rourke a (A) commentator, (B) author, (C) prophet, or (D) all of the above?

How Can I Help You? — Part II

The people have spoken…

Matthew Maxim — Update!

How do you like that? I know what I’m talking about. Mathematically speaking, it was bound to happen eventually.

Great Quote Monday — Albert Einstein

Was Albert Einstein an agnostic? Maybe. But when you talk about Beauty and Mystery, only one person comes to mind for me (hint: first name ‘Almighty’, last name: ‘God’).

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 1: Find Your Niche

Twelve years of freelance writing experience boiled down to five how-to’s…

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 2: Creating Writing Samples

A blog website showcasing writing samples? That’ll never work…

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 3: Sell, Sell, Sell

A-B-C, baby; always be closing.

- Matthew Porter

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