Archive for April, 2010

April was a wild ride. The blog pendulum swung from very serious How To’s to less serious Don’t Ever’s. Oh, and chicken jokes. Can’t forget those.

If you missed any of the fun, may God have mercy on your soul. Wait, never mind. I just noticed we have a handy dandy Hey Porter! April Roundup right here. So uh… sorry about being overly dramatic there. Boy, that was embarrassing.

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 4: Work Smarter

If you’ve ever wondered how to become a freelance writer, I humbly suggest giving this 5-part series a tumble. Things I’ve learned in my 12 or so years writing professionally.

How To Become A Freelance Writer — Part 5: Think Like The Client

You say you never wondered how to become a freelance writer? Then skip Parts 1-4 and hit Part 5. There’s something good in it for you. Promise.

Great Quote Monday — J.K. Rowling

We’ve had a lot of British folks on Great Quote Monday, but J.K. was our first female quoter. And wow, what a quote it was…

New Episode Of ETC This Thur @ 10am EST

There’s nothing more ‘Etcetera’ than shameless self-promotion

We Optioned Our TV Show!

Note to self: from now on, try to not give away the whole story in the headline.

Etcetera — 4.8.10

Three friends, a whole bunch of callers, one hour… good times.

Found Comedy — Now THAT’S Fresh Chicken!

Further HeyPorter! adventures in Open Source Comedy.

Great Quote Monday — Dr. Jonas Salk

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I’m the only person who has ever described Dr. Salk as ‘the man who pimp-slapped polio.’

Bands Named After Places

A little more Open Source Comedy that, for some reason, attracted hoards of spambots. They were on this website like dingos on a three-legged possum. Whoa… Think I just had a little ‘Dan Rather’ moment there.

Found Comedy — Fatal Coke

Don’t believe it? See for yourself.

Great Quote Monday — Lee Iacocca

For some reason, I really like this photo of Iacocca. He just looks like somebody you shouldn’t cross.

Landing Your Next Job The M@tthew Pörter Way

I asked my friend, an HR guru, to vet this article for me. For obvious reasons, she has yet to respond.

Someone You Should Meet: Elam Stoltzfus

Even if you don’t like documentaries, you’ll like Elam.

Great Quote Monday — James F. Byrnes

What?! You’ve never heard of James F. Byrnes? THE James F. Byrnes? Actually, neither had I.

ChaCha vs. KGB (or KGB vs. ChaCha, If You Prefer)

There’s actually a legitimate head-to-head challenge in this article, amidst the silliness. Plus, one last shot at some Open Source Comedy for April AND– at no extra charge– a little bit of reader smack talk back at yours truly. Finally…

- Matthew Porter

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If you haven’t heard of them, ChaCha and KGB are online answer services. You type or text a question and, moments later, your answer arrives (free for the former, 99 cents a throw for the latter).

Apparently these services are for folks who have either never heard of Wikipedia or suffer from the rare-yet-crippling affliction known as ‘Google-phobia.’

Nevertheless, putting my skepticism aside, I decided to road test ChaCha and KGB. Who knows… if the services really can deliver, maybe I could use them to handle my day-to-day decisions, similar to the way Esquire Magazine’s A.J. Jacobs outsourced his life.

ChaCha promises ‘real people answering your questions!’ And you know a brand means business when they throw an exclamation point into their tagline.

While it was tempting to take a comedic approach (‘what number am I thinking of?’), I decided I’d rather push the service’s capabilities by asking a question with an answer that is both indisputable and unGoogle-able (well, at least it was unGoogle-able until this article posted):

“What is the 35th word in Chapter 1 of Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell To Arms?”

(answer: ‘pebbles’)

ChaCha’s answer? Four Google ads plus a video commercial for Folger’s Coffee. So either ChaCha answered my question with completely meta Mr. Miyagi-esque riddle or we experienced a ChaCha fail.

(answer: ‘ChaCha fail’)

So, on to KGB…

KGB is an automated answering service that promises I’ll ‘get answers, not links.’ So to test its answer-finding prowess, I decided to toss it a softball:

“How can God be good if He allows suffering?”

Wait, did I say ‘softball’? I meant to say ‘I’m paying ninety-nine cents, so I want my money’s worth.’

I entered my question online, then promptly got a text acknowledging my query. To proceed, it stated, I needed to text back ‘YES.’ I complied and moments later I got another message: ‘Thanks and sit tight. kgb is researching your answer and will send it shortly.’

No more than a minute later, I get the following answer to my query:

“God is fair, but life sometimes isn’t. God is good, but people often do bad things. God is perfect, but we make mistakes that sometimes cost us dearly.”

Wow. Just… wow. I’m not going to say they already had that answer in their back pocket, but they already had that answer in their back pocket. And what’s more, it’s not bad. Doctrinally, it holds up. Plus, the English Lit part of my brain (and granted, that’s a tiny section) digs the couplet structure of the answer.

Advantage: KGB.

Oh, and just to be completely scientific, I sent my Hemingway question to KGB. Less than fifteen minutes later, I got this response:

“Pebbles” is the 35th word in Chapter 1 of Hemingway’s “A Farewell To Arms.” “Swiftly” is #50.”

Bottomline on the ChaCha vs. KGB question: you get what you pay for. ChaCha proved to be an unamusing waste of time while KGB delivered (then overdelivered) on theological and literary hardballs.

My findings– which I fully expect to be published in some kind of scholarly journal– proved KGB is top dog. But exactly how good is it? Think you can give it a challenge? Hit ‘reply’ now and leave your toughest yet find-out-able (man, I am just making up words all over the place here) question. I’ll pick the best one, send it to KGB, and bring back the results.

- Matthew Porter

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James F. Byrnes

“Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.”

- Attributed to James F. Byrnes

- Matthew Porter

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Award-winning documentary filmmaker Elam Stoltzfus

Yesterday was Earth Day. And I think it goes without saying, Earth is definitely my favorite planet. It’s as true for the cosmos as it is in real estate: location, location, location. Seriously, if I were God, Earth would definitely be on my mantle (wait, maybe we are…). Friends would come over, and I’d play all casual: ‘Oh that? I call it ‘Earth’. Thanks, I like it, too. Those little moving things? I call them ‘people.’ They do bear my likeness, thank you for noticing. Oh, but here’s the crazy part: Guess how long it took me to make. Just guess.’

Another big fan of the Earth is accomplished documentary filmmaker Elam Stoltzfus. His passion for nature has led him to create a long list of award-winning nature films. I had the pleasure to meet Elam many, many years ago and am now attached to script his next documentary, this one concerning an incredibly rare and threatened natural phenomenon. I’m including an article on Elam and said project below in this post. If you like stories about people following their dreams, this is a good read.

Oh, and if you happen to be in Central Florida this Sunday, you can actually meet Elam (and acclaimed nature photographer Clyde Butcher) in person at the Orlando Museum of Art. Details below, just above the article.

Have a great weekend, everybody. See you here next week for Great Quote Monday!

- Matthew Porter

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[from the Orlando Museum of Art]

Earth Day is day designed to inspire awareness and appreciation for our environment. A highlight of the Orlando Museum of Art’s (OMA’s) Changing Landscapes, Changing Visions project, Earth Day will be a chance to explore conservation issues with nature photographer Clyde Butcher and filmmaker Elam Stoltzfus. On April 25, at 1:30pm, they will discuss several topics including their working relationship, the evolution of their work, techniques of photography and filmmaking, as well as environmental issues and conservation awareness.

Photographer Clyde Butcher (left) and filmmaker Elam Stoltzfus

Clyde Butcher: Big Cypress Swamp and the Western Everglades is the third of four exhibitions focusing on the environment, that are part of the Changing Landscapes, Changing Visions series at the OMA. Currently on view, the amazing black and white photographs by Clyde Butcher of untouched lands and waters are presented in conjunction with a documentary film by Elam Stoltzfus.The film, Big Cypress Swamp – The Western Everglades, explores the mysterious and secretive environment of the Big Cypress Swamp.

The discussion is followed by a question and answer session.

Date: April 25, 2010
Time: 1:30pm
Location: Orlando Museum Of Art
The presentation is free.

Please call 407 896 4231 or visit www.omart.org for more information.

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[okay, here's the article I promised]

Liquid Assets: The Rare And Enchanting Treasures Of Coastal Dune Lakes

So rare, only a few hundred exist in the world — but it’s not an animal.

So delicate, they can only be found in certain specific conditions — but it’s not a plant.

They are coastal dune lakes, a phenomenon occurring when a freshwater lake sits immediately adjacent to an ocean, separated only by a coastal dune.

Nestled just within this ridge of sand (ranging from a few feet to more than seventy feet in height) and slightly above sea level, these unique ecosystems are fed by rain and sometimes creeks. These neighboring bodies of will periodically exchange water, depending on conditions. When dune lakes fill up, they burst through the dune barrier (called “pop out”) sending a river of fresh water rushing to the ocean. Alternately, during a hurricane or heavy winds and/or when the lake is low, ocean water can go rushing into the lake, an event known as “flush in.”

Coastal dune lakes are known to exist in just a handful of places– Australia, New Zealand, Madagascar, the Pacific Northwest, and Florida’s Walton County in the Panhandle region– making these little-known marvels a treasure for nature lovers and a must-see for eco-tourists.

It is the coastal dune lake’s potent combination of rarity and beauty that drew documentary filmmaker Elam Stoltzfus to them. Stoltzfus recently directed and produced a short film called Coastal Dune Lakes: Beaches of South Walton. The award-winning documentary explores the unique biodiversity of coastal dune lakes in the Florida Panhandle and details efforts of locals to protect them.

Building on the success of his short film, Stoltzfus now seeks sponsorships for an hour-long documentary called Coastal Dune Lakes of the World. The new film will contrast the condition of coastal dune lakes in Northwestern Florida with those in New Zealand and Australia. The documentary will explore the habitats of increasingly elusive and/or endangered plants and animals and illustrate the importance of preserving the ecosystem around the perimeter of coastal dune lakes. Coastal Dune Lakes of the World will also showcase a comparative study of each region through research, threats, and current management practices.

To learn more about opportunities to contribute to the making of the documentary, visit www.coastaldunelakes.org.

A behind-the-scenes look at pre-production of Coastal Dune Lakes of the World reveals a picture of international cooperation. Stoltzfus plans to establish a partnership with scientists and historians from New Zealand and Australia in gathering research and planning his documentary. Though from different cultures, Stoltzfus and these advisors are united by their appreciation of the beauty of coastal dune lakes.

Stoltzfus’s passion for capturing the beauty of the natural world on film has been previously expressed in numerous award-winning films including Big Cypress Swamp: The Western Everglades, that aired nationally on Public Television stations in September 2009.

The native Pennsylvanian credits his Amish-Mennonite upbringing for instilling in him a love and reverence for nature.

“Being outdoors was just an everyday experience on the farm,” says Stoltzfus. “The creeks and woods and connecting with the soil was a part of life.”

But can that connection to coastal dune lakes be maintained? As Stoltzfus’s documentary details, the tenuous existence of coastal dune lakes is under constant threat worldwide from both natural and manmade forces.

Natural threats to the ridges that define coastal dune lakes include erosion, an ever-present concern, but particularly during Florida’s annual hurricane season. But some have taken steps to fight nature with nature. Topsail Hill Preserve State Park is located 45 miles west of Panama City, Florida and encompasses 182 acres, including three major coastal dune lakes and two smaller ones. To protect the sandy buffer between the lakes and the ocean, 500,000 sea oats were planted. This vegetation will help maintain the integrity of the sand and dunes against the wind.

Development also factors into the future of coastal dune lakes. While the value of beachfront property has dropped in some areas, strong demand for development along the coast remains. The poetically-named town of WaterColor, a development located on Western Lake in Walton County, has established a no-construction buffer around their coastal dune lakes, but this is the exception rather than the rule. Additionally, grassroots groups have formed, giving a greater voice to citizen-based organizations interested in the preservation of coastal dune lakes.

At present, coastal dune lakes are considered as ‘globally imperiled’ by the Florida Natural Areas Inventory, a non-profit organization administered by Florida State University.

And making the issue even more complex, coastal dune lakes constantly evolve. These emerging, subtle changes have been detected only through years of close and constant observation. Further, each coastal dune lake also has its own characteristics and behaviors. While Western Lake exhibits the normal ‘pop out’ and ‘flush in’ pattern, nearby Eastern Lake has functioned at times like a tidal estuary. However, due to man’s intervention, it is now under distress, becoming closed off and stagnant, filling up with nuisance grasses and algae pads.

All of this only adds to the mystique of coastal dune lakes for Stoltzfus who emphasizes the need for further research.

“The more we learn about coastal dune lakes, the more we discover there’s more to learn,“ he says. “What we hope to do with the documentary is combine education, information, and entertainment about these rare and mysterious bodies of water on a global level. It’s a perspective that really hasn’t been seen before.”

The question remains, will Stoltzfus’s new documentary be a celebration of man living in balance with his environment worldwide or a testament to a lost treasure?

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If you’re reading this during the day, you’re likely either surfing the web for job leads or you’re goofing off at work — in which case you’ll soon be surfing the web for job leads. Either way, I want to pass along my Top Seven Tips For Landing Your Next Job.

Make Your Resume Stand Out
The key thing is to make your resume to stand out from the resumes of other job applicants. And there’s no place better to start than your name. For example, my name is Matthew Porter. Ehhh… okay. Pretty good name. But how much memorable would it be with a sprinkle of inappropriate punctuation:

M@tthew Pörter

Boom! Memorable. The @ symbol says ‘this guy is modern. Fresh. Now.’ The oomlats say ‘this fellow is either Dutch or an ex-member of Mötley Crüe. Either way, look out, world!’

And this stealth move of jazzing up your name works for the ladies, too. For example, instead of ‘Barbara Smith’, try ‘Jessica Simpson.’

Accomplishments
Next, you’ll want to detail your accomplishments, for example: ‘graduated magna cum laude, boosted sales by 10%, promoted to manager’ and so on. While these accomplishments are true, they’re also boring. What to do? Well, ‘embellish’ is an ugly word, so let’s just say ‘lie.’

Instead of the staid, ho-hum accomplishments above, try these on for size:

- In high school, I developed a Unified Field Theory reconciling the general theory of relativity, electromagnetism, and quantum theory.

- In college, I helped the Chicago Bulls win a third-in-a-row NBA Championship while also receiving my eighth scoring title and leading the team to the league’s best-ever regular season record.

- Post-college, I wrote a series of popular novels about a boy wizard, all of which have become international best-sellers.

Now that list of accomplishments pops, does it not?

So, how do you back up these accomplishments? References.

References
Yes, references will provide us with the credibility we lack because we are “lying.” For example, you can say that you worked with an ‘Enrico Fermi’ in high school developing your Unified Field Theory. However, e-mails to Signore Fermi will remain unreturned since he died in 1954.

To back up your remarkable athletic accomplishments, simply list Phil Jackson as your reference, but– and this is very important– put my phone number instead of Coach Jackson’s.

Experience
Okay, so you’re capable of lying about a few big accomplishments, but what’s your real-world experience? Are you tested and proven? No? Not a problem!

Instead of listing your job experience, how about putting in a saucy picture of cover model Ilyana Vivendi (stop Googling, I made up the name as an example)? This is a sure-fire ticket to making your resume memorable. For full effect, actually tear the picture from a magazine and tape it to the resume.

The Interview: First Impressions
A firm handshake and a strong look-in-the-eye make a great first impression. Great, yes. But not memorable. My advice? Ditch the handshake. Wait until your interviewer is close, then grab him by the shoulders and kiss his cheeks in the European manner. As any of the girls I dated in high school can attest, an awkward kiss can make any so-so situation forever memorable.

The Interview: Trick Questions
To keep you on your toes and test your resourcefulness, interviewers will often ask you trick questions, for example:

- ‘What is your greatest weakness?’
- ‘What didn’t you like about your old job?’
- ‘Did you make up all of this stuff on your resume?’

However, you can trump this stratagem simply by having a few crafty replies at the ready:

Example 1:
Interviewer: (asks trick question)
You: That’s what she said.
Interviewer: What who said?
You: Mother Teresa, when I worked with her at the Home For The Dying in Calcutta.

Example 2:
Interviewer: (asks trick question)
You: What? Oh… sorry. I keep getting lost in those dreamy brown eyes of yours.
Interviewer: My eyes are blue.
You: That’s what she said.

So there they are, my Top Seven Tips For Landing Your Next Job The M@tthew Pörter Way.

What’s that? You say there were only six tips? Well, what’s a little embellishment among friends?

- Matthew Porter

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'By the time I finish this stogie, you better have dried those tears and gotten yourself a plan.'

“Boys, there ain’t no free lunches in this country. And don’t go spending your whole life commiserating that you got the raw deals. You’ve got to say, ”I think that if I keep working at this and want it bad enough I can have it.” It’s called perseverance.”

- Attributed to Lee Iacocca: businessman, author, former CEO of Chrysler, former president of Ford, and ‘Father of the Mustang’

- Matthew Porter

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Fatal Coke. Who knew?

I’ve heard of a message in a bottle, but this was a little eerie.

There I was, entering in the Coke rewards code online after finishing my tasty beverage when– dun, dun, DUUUUNNN… an ominous warning appeared (hint, put together the last two letters from the top line with first three letters from the bottom line).

Have a great weekend, everybody. See you here bright and early next week for Great Quote Monday!

- Matthew Porter

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Universal Orlando is currently hosting a concert series. Two of the acts scheduled: Chicago and Flo Rida — though not on the same night, which would be awkward to say the least; the ‘chronic back pain’ crowd meets the ‘chronic’ crowd.

This juxtaposition got me thinking about bands named after places. There’s actually quite a few. Below are the bands named after places I thought up, each with a video (at no extra charge).

Bands Named After Continents
Europe

Asia

Bands Named After Countries
America

Bands / Artists Named After States
Flo Rida

Kansas

Alabama

Bands Named After Cities
Chicago

Boston

Berlin

Calexico

Nazareth

Am I forgetting any bands named after places? If so, drop a reply and let me know.

- Matthew Porter

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'Hey, I cured polio. What's say we try these bottles of Scotch I've been saving?'

Today marks the 55th anniversary of Dr. Jonas Salk’s polio vaccine being declared safe and effective. I know that had I created the vaccine, I would have gone to every high school reunion: ‘You say you made VP, huh? That’s just terrific. Me? I cured an epidemic that annually killed thousands and crippled tens of thousands.  But hey, good for you, right?’

In honor of Dr. Salk, here’s a syringeful of wisdom from the man who pimp-slapped polio…

“I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more.”

-Dr. Jonas Salk, upon receiving the Congressional Medal for Distinguished Civilian Achievement (April 23, 1956)

- Matthew Porter

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Picture I shot near the new office in Oviedo. Just thought it was a funny juxtaposition, though really, it could use a good caption. Got one? Drop it to us in the Reply section below and let’s enjoy some end-of-week Open Source Comedy!

- Matthew Porter

PS: Have a great weekend. See you here on Monday!

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