Archive for March, 2010

Since it’s St. Patrick’s Day, I thought we’d take a trip to the vault for this little gem, a comedy bit I wrote that was aired on Steve Brown, Etc. ten years ago today:

Oh glorious beer, Oh frothy pint
With body gold and head so white
Please don’t make me pick a fight
And help me be witty on Ladies’ Night

Oh glorious beer, ‘neath heavenly foam
Don’t let me pass out too far from home
And if I am rude as I drunkenly roam
Don’t let them harm this wee beer-buzzed gnome

Oh glorious beer, Oh frothy pint
Bestow on me thine amber light
Give me slurred speech and blurry sight
I know I’ll hug the toilet tonight

- Matthew Porter

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William Shakespeare: Playwright, Poet, and Victim of Male Pattern Baldness

In honor of William Shakespeare– who correctly stated that ‘brevity is the soul of wit’– we’ll get right to today’s Great Quote Monday quote:

“Sweet are the uses of adversity…”

Spoken by Duke Senior in As You Like It, Act II, Scene i

- William Shakespeare

Do you agree that the uses of adversity are sweet? Or is that just some fluffy crap said by folks who are not facing adversity themselves? Sound off by leaving a reply.

- Matthew Porter

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XXXXXXXTo send you into the weekend with a laugh, here’s a shot of the Reebok jump rope I just bought. Note the copy at the bottom right of the box. How did this slip by? Who knows? And here’s the weird part… I saw this same box– typo included– at Target at least two years ago.

Hope you have an awesome weekend. See you here next week for Great Quote Monday. Or should that be Greate Quote Monday?

-Matthew Porter

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What does this guy have to do with this article? Surprisingly little.

“I will take ‘no’ for answer; I won’t take ‘no answer’ for an answer.”

What is life but a series of questions (including this one)?

Some are big…

- Will you marry me?
- What is the meaning of life?
- Can I have one of your kidneys?

…while others are less consequential:

- Can I borrow your stapler?
- What’s today’s date?
- What was the name of that other guy in Wham?

Regardless of their relative levels of importance, every question needs an answer. And when it comes to business, a lot of the ‘big questions’ terminate in a ‘yes’ or ‘no.’

As a writer / director and creative consultant, sales is half the game. As such, hearing ‘no’ or ‘not now’ — while an undesired response — is all part of the process. To make it in sales (and we’re all salesfolk on one level or another, agreed?), ‘no’ must be an acceptable answer. You don’t have to like it– you shouldn’t like it– but you must be able to roll with it and move on.

But what about when there’s no response? Do you assume the answer is ‘no’ and move on? Or do you keep pushing?

Two quick real-life scenarios:

One, a production company a producing partner and I pitched. The producers we spoke with were very enthusiastic about the project and promised to get back to us ‘soon.’ But a day went by, then two days, then a week, then two weeks… no promised response.

Two, a conversation with a successful business owner back in December. This CEO was interested in possibly hiring me as a creative consultant to help form and lead an in-house marketing team. I’ve consistently followed up with him this year and yet, no returned call.

Now, ‘the rest of the story…’

We followed up with the production company and– long story short– the deal is going through. Big win all the way around.

Re: the CEO who needs creative help… still no response. I have a strong feeling his answer will eventually be a ‘no’ or ‘not right now.’ But what if it isn’t? What if he’s been too busy? What if– like a lot of people I eventually get in touch with– he says ‘thank you so much for your persistence. I’ve just been swamped lately’ ? What if I stop following up and in so doing– to use a metaphor from success guru Zig Ziglar– I stop pumping the handle just a few seconds before the water would have started flowing?

Now, an important note: does the person you’re querying owe you an answer? No. Absolutely not. Following through on a question assuming someone owes you an answer doesn’t make you persistent; it makes you a stalker (sidebar to Jodie Foster: did you get the hair clippings I mailed you? They’re a symbol that we’re meant to be together. CALL ME!!!)

Therefore, the CEO I’m currently following up with in no way owes me anything at all, including an answer. Period. Conversely, I owe him nothing as well, including the obligation to assume his silence is his ‘no.’ And again, ‘what if?’ What if, like the production company, the CEO’s silence isn’t a ‘no’ but a ‘yes-in-progress’?

So, to sum up: before you write off an opportunity because you’re not getting an answer, first ask yourself if losing a potential ‘yes’ is a risk you’re willing to take.

And finally– and I can’t stress this enough– Andrew Ridgeley. Andrew Ridgeley was the other singer in Wham.

- Matthew Porter

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T.E. Lawrence (1915)

Beautiful quote for you today from T.E. Lawrence, the man whose life inspired one of my all-time favorite films, the David Lean masterpiece Lawrence of Arabia:

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did.”

Introductory Chapter, Seven Pillars of Wisdom (1922)

Do you want to be a ‘dreamer of the day’?  Do you want to be dangerous?  Man, I sure do.  So what’s stopping us?

Nothing.

-Matthew Porter

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Long before I ever made a dime as a comedy writer, I was a comedy fan. I would study (and still do) my favorite comedians, analyzing their particular style, noting how they used misdirection, how they calculated their timing. I grew up listening to the homespun story-oriented comedy of Jerry Clower. Spent hours playing my audio tape of ‘Bill Cosby – Himself.’ But there’s one comic whose work has influenced me far more than any other.

This Sunday, March 7th, Steve Martin will co-host the 82nd Academy Awards, along with Alec Baldwin. This is as good excuse as any to talk a little about why I love and admire Steve Martin’s work. For lack of a better way, I’ll reel it all off by category (wow, I just realized how profoundly unfunny this is going to be; apologies).

Contrasts
Steve Martin’s work embodies some fascinating contrasts. On one hand, he’s highly intellectual and an avid art collector. Not surprisingly, his first full-length play, Picasso At The Lapin Agile, brought these worlds together with an imagined conversation between the Cubist master and Albert Einstein. But in his days as a comedian, Steve Martin’s comedy was, at times, purely absurd. Like out-there, non-linear, is-this-supposed-to-be-funny absurd. Ironically– as Steve Martin revealed in his autobiographical Born Standing Up– it was his intellectual bent that led him to explore that particular zany style.

Steve Martin’s comedy was/is also sometimes crude. But in his career as an author– specifically the novella Shopgirl and the novel The Pleasure Of My Company– he demonstrates a surprising emotional depth and sensitivity. Honestly, in reading about the inner world of ‘Shopgirl’ protagonist Mirabelle Butterfield, you’d think the author was a woman. And this from a guy who wrote a comedy bit about having sex with a turtle. Marvelous.

Breadth
I have long been a fan of comedy’s forefathers: Burns and Allen, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Bob Hope, Henny Youngman… generally speaking, the generation that started out in vaudeville and successfully made the transition to radio and later television. What I admire about these folks is they were true showmen, often employing several skills in their act: singing, dancing, playing violin, juggling, etc. Steve Martin brings that era of comedian to mind for me. His career as a performer began with his earnest quest to become a great magician. As he got older, he learned to play the banjo. Eventually, his ardent desire to perform magic morphed into the desire to make people laugh. After hitting the zenith as a comedian on stage (and in stadiums), he gracefully transitioned into an incredibly successful acting career. Still later, he revealed another facet with his career as a writer. As much as I love my experiences with screenwriting, that alone will never be enough to satisfy my creative appetite. It seems Steve Martin is put together that same way, and I’ve always appreciated seeing someone who has realized success in different, yet complementary fields.

Pioneer
Circling back to the absurd quality of Steve Martin’s standup work… He so pushed the limits of this type of self-conscious approach, it became a ‘type’, known as ‘anti-comedy’ (not to be confused with ‘anti-funny’, a style pioneered by Dane Cook). This often involved making jokes about the jokes. You can see strains of that same technique in the work of Eddie Izzard, Jim Gaffigan, and the late Mitch Hedberg (sidebar: how did this blog entry– a piece about comedy– turn so book-report dry? Jeepers… Well, we’re almost done. Hang tight. And now the closing parentheses).

Longevity
There are a lot of creative folks who enjoy success for a brief time. Of those who enjoy a long career, even those who stay very active, a lot of them coast on their past success versus creating new work (Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, I’m looking at you). Precious few artists remain vital and active for the duration. I love sports, but the window of greatness there is often limited. You have a brilliant, shining career, but you get older and/or have an injury, and before you can say ‘cortisone injection’, it’s over. In contrast, artists– broadly put– only get better over time. If used well, a lifetime can season and mature their work into something exceptional, allowing them to reach places in the mind and heart that a younger version of themselves never could. Steve Martin is one of those rare people who has managed to stay productive throughout his entire professional life and whose output is still as vibrant and relevant as ever.

So I guess it will be interesting to see Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin co-host, though Steve Martin has ably hosted solo twice before. An especially memorable line from the opening monologue of one of those shows (paraphrasing here): ‘Hollywood is a magical place, a place where anyone can make it: black or white, tall or short, skinny or thin…’

And speaking of awards, Steve Martin has a few himself: three Grammy awards (both for comedy and music), a Kennedy Center Honor, The Mark Twain Prize, plus– oh gosh, what do they call it– millions and millions and millions of dollars.

So in conclusion, Steve Martin is an American treasure, a huge influence on me creatively, and someone whose work is definitely worth exploring if you haven’t. And if you can’t get that, well, excuse me…

- Matthew Porter

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'I do not like them...'

Dr. Seuss’ birthday was yesterday, so this entry is late. Then again, so is the good doctor, so I say it’s a wash.

It could be argued that Mr. Geisel contributed more to children’s literature than perhaps any other person (sorry, Franklin W. Dixon). But even a genius of his magnitude doesn’t bat a thousand. How do I know this? Because I recently discovered a list of unproduced Seuss book concepts, ideas that didn’t make the cut.

I think you’ll see why.

Failed Dr. Seuss Book Titles

- One Drink, Two Drink, Red Drinks, Blue Drinks

- Green Eggs and Crack

- Oh, The Places You’ll Wake Up!

- Barak Obama and the Bumpy, Lumpy Llama

- How The Grinch Stole Yom Kippur

- Mein Kampf

Got your own idea for a failed Dr. Seuss book title? Let’s hear ‘em in Comments!

- Matthew Porter

PS: If you missed last month’s Hey Porter! tribute to (okay, ‘ripoff of’) Dr. Seuss, check it out here.

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Winston Churchill isn't mad, he's just considering your criticism.

As a contrast to Teddy Roosevelt’s quote last week, I bring you another formidable world leader expounding on the significance of criticism.

This week’s Great Quote Monday quote is attributed to Winston Churchill though, despite some considerable legwork, I have yet to discover the original context for it. If and when I do, I’ll be sure to report back.

In the meantime, a few words (ostensibly) from Mr. Churchill:

“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”

- Winston Churchill

So what do you think?

Is the critic a bench-sitting naysayer whose words ring hollow because they have no skin in the game, as per Teddy Roosevelt? Or is the critic a useful annoyance whose big-picture perspective can call our attention to previously unaddressed problems, as per Winston Churchill?

Or are they both full of it?

Drop a reply below and let us know what you think. Me? What do I think about the importance and role of criticism? Hit me with a critique and we’ll see…

- Matthew Porter

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