Archive for February, 2010
Hey Porter! — February Roundup
WOOSH! Was that an Olympic downhill skier or the month of February that just sped by us at 80mph? In a month as short and fast as this, you could be forgiven (this time) for missing a few items here at Hey Porter! Luckily, below is your super slo-mo instant replay for catching up on all the fun…
Etcetera’s Back
A quick history of Etcetera for the uninitiated and a heads up about the show’s return from hiatus.
Etcetera — 2.4.10
Back in black! The Etcetera gang rocked the hizzy once more with a jam-packed super show, 1.25 hours of glorious buffoonery. Goo-LAY!
Horton Hears The Who
It’s no Epic of Gilgamesh, but I am pretty proud of this little piece.
Great Quote Monday — Blaise Pascal
Blaise Pascal… That cat gave more good stuff to mankind in 39 years than most of us will in twice that time. I think if he had lived longer, he could have invented a spaceship. Or at the very least, the iPad.
Matthew Maxim #44
Are there really 43 other Matthew Maxims? Guess we’ll have to find out, won’t we?
Shameless
Indeed, I am.
Great Quote Monday — John (x2)
At further risk of being immodest, I’m pleased with how this pic turned out. Amazing the visual marvels that Microsoft Word can render.
News From The Future — New Orleans
Did you know that all the good fortune now being enjoyed by New Orleans is owed to Ty Pennington? It’s true! Click the link above and I’ll prove it!
Can You Pour Shots? Do Tax Prep? You’re Hired!
Bizarro job posting from Craigslist. I’m no MBA, but who actually sat down and thought ‘drinking plus rollerskating’ added up to a promising business model?
Great Quote Monday — Teddy Roosevelt
A great ‘go get em’ speech from the Rough Rider.
Schrödinger’s LOLcat
Theoretical quantum physics + kittens = AWSUM!
See you next Monday (and next month!) for Great Quote Monday.
- Matthew Porter
Schrödinger’s LOLcat
ohkay guyz. ekspirimint iz ovur. Let meh out.
u kant see meh, but i’z in a box. therez also uh guyger cownter in heer an also uh flask wif poyson. if teh guyger cownter smelz sum raydeeayshun, it breakz teh flask uv poyson an then i goes 2 see Ceiling Cat. thare4, kwantum fisiks sez that until teh box iz opened, i’z both ded and uhlive at teh same timez.
PS: spoyler alurt: i’z reely uhlive.
PS agin: wud sumbodee pleez let meh out?
- Matthew Porter
Great Quote Monday — Teddy Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt: Our 26th President and Master of the Mustache
President Teddy Roosevelt’s political leanings may have left something to be desired (and by ’something’, I mean ‘a lot’). However, I’m not one to write folks off if their views don’t align perfectly with my own. Okay, okay… there are some exceptions to that rule. If, for example, it was discovered that Hitler actually coined the phrase ‘I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,’ I still wouldn’t post it for Great Quote Monday.
So, on to this week’s Great Quote, a powerful, rousing charge that I hope gets you pumped up for the week ahead:
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt
Citizenship in the Republic, a speech at the Sorbonne, Paris
April 23, 1910
- Matthew Porter
Can You Pour Shots? Do Tax Prep? You’re Hired!
Weirdest CL post I've ever read. And that's saying something.
Is this a sign of economic recovery or of the apocalypse? In either case, it looks like at least some folks are hiring.
That is, if you can roller skate, bounce drunks, and do tax preparation.
Interested? Below are excerpts from an actual Craigslist ad (I’ve highlighted some of my favorite parts).
“Now Hiring Roller skating Go-go Gals (Orlando, FL)
Date: 2010-02-16, 3:44PM EST
Reply to: job-thpbs-12201285355813@craigslist.org
We are now hiring nine Rollerskating Go-go Gals for a new Roller skating rink opening called, “Miss Bambi’s Roller-rama.”
Desired Qualifications:
-Knowledge of how to Rollerskate major plus
-Simple addition skills may be required.
-Love of people and rollerskating
-Bachelor’s degree preferred, but not required
Dutys include:
-Pouring shots while rollerskating at the same time
-Booting overly intoxicated guests from the skating floor
-Tax preparation
-Dressing up for themed nights, to include cavewoman, teddybear, oompa loompa, and nuns. Regular uniform will be a bikini.
Please note, we offer daycare on site.”
Oh, man. I can already tell you have some funny lines to add to this story, so I declare this an Open Source Comedy entry. Drop us a comment by hitting ‘reply’ now.
Have a great weekend. See you bright and early next week for Great Quote Monday!
- Matthew Porter
News From The Future — New Orleans
Stay classy, New Orleans...
From Mardi Gras yesterday to a Saints Super Bowl win nine days prior, it seems like the bon temps are rouler New Orleans’ way. And to think that all this good fortune is due to Ty Pennington. What’s that, you say? You didn’t know Ty was the one who turned things around for the Crescent City? Well, click below to get the whole story with ‘News From The Future — New Orleans’, originally aired on Steve Brown, Etc. in September 2005
- Matthew Porter
Great Quote Monday — John (x2)
A Great Quote Monday two-fer, in honor of Valentine’s Day…
“God is love.”
- I John 4:16b
“Love is all you need.”
- John Lennon
- Matthew Porter
Shameless
I had an idea recently: maybe I should use some popular internet search keywords and search engine optimization to draw more visitors to Hey Porter!.
But then I wondered, is that really the right thing to do?
So I asked myself ‘what would Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, or a busload of Scandinavian coeds do?’ It’s really not as difficult a decision as, say, choosing between Cialis® or Viagra®. I mean, once people read the blog and check out the website, they’re usually excited. As excited as one would be if they discovered an easy way to get rich quick or lose 15 pounds in 24 hours.
But in the end, I decided to not let my naked ambition get the better of me. I vowed to draw new visitors to Hey Porter! the old fashioned way, by creating entertaining and uplifting content that enriches their lives. And then, once they’re enriched, offer those visitors free beer, 3% fixed loans, $50 airline tickets to anywhere in the Continental U.S, discounted Rolexes, the secrets of winning at online poker, and free software.
Oh yeah, and championship midget wrestling.
- Matthew Porter
PS: Stay warm this weekend and we’ll see you here next week for Great Quote Monday!
Matthew Maxim #44
Great is the value of knowing what can't be taught, grasshopper.
What I don’t know can be learned. What I do know can’t be taught.
Okay, so at first blush, this phrase might seem like a rejected fortune cookie fortune or a line spoken by David Carradine on Kung Fu. But roll it around a little; this is a statement I’ve found to be completely true and relevant.
First, what do I not know? Well, a lot actually: how to do an oil change, any kind of advanced math, the fundamentals of basketball… For the sake of time, I’ll stop there. But you know the common denominator to all these things? I can learn them. If I chose to, I could set aside the necessary time, seek out sources of knowledge, study, and ramp up on these subjects. Heck, I could even become an expert if I wanted to. What’s to stop me?
Conversely, what do I know? Beyond just knowledge acquired over time, I know how to operate honestly. I know I must deliver on my commitments. I know that my reputation can take a lifetime to build and a split second to destroy. The common denominator here? You can’t teach those things. Not to an adult. Those are features installed at the factory. You roll off the line at eighteen or so and man, if it’s not there then, it likely never will be. If you’ve ever led a group of any kind or had employees, you know how true that is.
That’s why I think this maxim is so important and really, a corollary to Alvin Toffler’s great quote about ‘the illiterate of the 21st century.’
When you’re trying to assemble a winning team, look for folks who ‘know what can’t be taught.’
- Matthew Porter
Great Quote Monday — Blaise Pascal
Blaise Pascal: Philosopher, Scientist, Overachiever
In his scant 39 years here on Earth, Blaise Pascal left an indelible mark in the worlds of mathematics, science, theology, and philosophy. His legacy includes numerous inventions, books, and mathematic axioms, all of which he created while living with considerable pain that plagued him all his adult life.
Would he have lived longer and been happier if he abandoned his sissy French name ‘Blaise’ for something tougher like ‘Blaze’?
That, we’ll never know.
What we do know is Pascal had a gift for crafting thought-provoking ideas. Ideas that won’t leave you alone until you wrestle with them a bit. Ideas like today’s quote:
“People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive.”
- From De L’Art De Persuader (”On the Art of Persuasion”)
Agree or disagree with Monsieur Pascal? Leave a reply and let us know, see vou play.
-Matthew Porter
Horton Hears The Who
Horton Hears The Who
On February 7th, near Miami Beach
At Fountainbleu’s pool, drinks just within reach
He was splashing, enjoying Miami’s blue sky
When Horton the elephant heard a great sigh
So Horton stopped splashing, set his Red Stripe right down
“That’s funny,” thought Horton. “There’s no one around.”
Then he heard it again! Just a very faint groan
Like an old person fell, but could not reach the phone.
“I’ll help you,” said Horton. “But who are you? Where?”
He looked and he looked. He could see nothing there
But a balding guitarist slumped in a deck chair.
“I say!” murmured Horton, now stopped in his tracks
“I’ve never seen an old guy who could still wield the ax!”
So you know what I think? Why, I think that there must
Be a band that you’re part of, though you’re old as dust!
The man then sat up, looking troubled and frail,
And with a faraway look, he recounted his tale…
“We used to be huge. We used to be rockin’.
We outlived the Beatles, The Doors, even Dokken.
Through huge stacks of Marshalls, we’d blast out our tunes,
Me, John, and Roger and the late, great Keith Moon.
We rocked out the Garden, we played The Palladium,
Became legends at Leeds, sold out Giants Stadium.
We’d trash our hotel rooms, we’d smash our guitars
We defined what it meant to be big rock stars.”
‘Grammys, not people, should sit on a shelf,’
thought Horton and then he said to himself…
“I’ll just have to save him. I’ll be brave and bold.
For a band is a band, no matter how old.”
‘Where are we going?!’ the man asked out loud.
And Horton replied “to find you a crowd!
I know just the spot and I know the way,
a few minutes from here down South A-1A!”
The man held on tight and Horton ran faster
Through rush hour traffic, just dodging disaster.
They ran to the field, to the fifty-yard line
‘Now,’ thought Horton, ‘the band gets to shine.’
They played ‘Who Are You’ and ‘My Generation’
Then ‘Baba O’Riley to standing ovations.
So The Who– yes, The Who– rocked the Super Bowl.
For a band is a band, no matter how old.
- Matthew Porter
PS: Original version found several places online including here…
